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Thread: You might be a Knox Countian if...

  1. #2401


    Quote Originally Posted by spinetingler View Post
    You briefly caught a fish with that on Facebook.
    Oh, and this one ain't going to win me any friends or influence me any peoples.

    Not that any of the "official" ones I did, either.

    Very stupid of me to write this stuff.
    Sun sets, night falls, sun shines, day calls, work fine, rest deep, rejoice, prayers keep

  2. #2402


    TN GOP lawmakers seek ways to protect bigots from same-sex marriage

    Members of the TN Republican Super!Majority this week held a wide-ranging strategy session, not only to find ways to protect bigots from same-sex marriage but also to discuss a solution to "the gay problem."

    Reps Andy Holt (R-Grandstandingstan) and Sheila Butt (R-Sister of Bertha, Bigotsville) proposed legislation to protect clergy from being forced to perform same-sex marriages, even though clergy already have the right to refuse to perform any marriage they wish.

    Sen. Rusty Crowe (R-Prejudicial Heights) added that something must be done to “protect state employees and private employers, whose prejudices spring from religious principles,” from having to interact with citizens whom they find objectionable for whatever reason.

    “Their prejudices are all about their freedom of religion,” Crowe said.

    Rep. Rick Womick (R-Wackadoodlepalooza) excitedly interjected, “Impeaching Gov. Haslam will solve the gay problem!”

    House Republican Caucus Chairman Glen Casada of Intoleration, TN, reminded those assembled that they needed to find ways for “people who are intolerant of others for good, upstanding moral reasons to not have to deal with those citizens whom they find morally intolerable.”

    “Let’s just pass legislation declaring that no government employee and no private employer shall be forced to do anything they find objectionable on religious grounds,” Butt suggested.

    Casada replied that such legislation would be too broad, adding, “It would allow non-Christian people who don't want to deal with Christians to discriminate against them legally.”

    Womick tried to interrupt again, saying, “Hey, I said impeaching Hasla-”

    “We heard you the first time,” Casada growled. “Keep your rotten impeaches to yourself, Womick.”

    “Wait a minute,” Butt said. “There are non-Christians in Tennessee?”

    “Even worse, there are non-Christian, non-white, non-men in Tennessee, too,” Casada answered.

    “Can we pass legislation prohibiting that?” she asked.

    Casada said they probably could but that it would take too long to round up the “undesirables” and ship them off.

    “Look, what if we set off an electro-magnetic pulse bomb on Haslam?” Womick pleaded.

    “Will you shut up?” came a chorus of voices. “You’re making us look bad!”

    Rep. John Ragan, R-Discriminatory Point, noted that the Supreme Court's same-sex marriage ruling raised other considerations, which Republicans hadn't yet taken the time to rail against.

    "For instance, what if the Department of Children's Services refuses to force a 13-year-old homosexual child to be adopted by a normal couple?” he said. "Can I get some righteous indignation for this terrible hypothetical?"

    “You’re right; we’re missing a lot of things related to same-sex marriage that we can fume about!” Holt exclaimed. “I mean, what if different species of pets want to get married? And what if they want to get a same-sex interspecies marriage? Why, I once had a girl dog who liked to hump our girl cat! In fact-”

    Womick cut him off, saying, “And what if people want to have same-sex marriages, what then?”

    “That’s what we’re talking about!” everyone else snapped.

    “Oh. Right. I got a little sidetracked,” Womick conceded.

    Casada then observed that Republicans had carved themselves “a sweet, 19th-century niche in 21-century Tennessee, and we must ensure no one sends us back to the future. So we must find a way to allow only Christian government employees and private employers to pick and choose which members of the general public are worthy of their service.”

    “Isn't there some reason we aren't supposed to do that?” Butt asked.

    “Isn’t it something about government of the people, by the people, for the people?” Crowe replied, trailing off.

    “Maybe if we just stop talking about this, they'll go away,” Holt mused.

    “No, the gay-stapo won't let up on this," Butt noted grimly. “Besides, if we shut up about it, our constituents won't know how outraged we are on their behalf about this gaytrocity, and then they won't stay worked up into a lather about it.”

    “Rep. Butt, you’ve hit on it,” Casada cried. “You’re exactly right. We don’t need to make this problem go away! We need to keep ginning up the bigots’ outrage and stirring up the froth, to make sure our core gets out the vote – and their checkbooks.”

    The strategy session closed with a request to Gov. Haslam to call a special legislative session “to seek out new and exciting repercussions from the same-sex ruling to be outraged by.”
    Last edited by SnM; 07-23-2015 at 05:49 PM.
    Sun sets, night falls, sun shines, day calls, work fine, rest deep, rejoice, prayers keep

  3. #2403


    So, Knox County Clerk Foster Arnett has owned his racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic Facebook ranting, and the local media is assisting him in damage control by accepting his non-apology as an apology. So nothing will happen here, unless national media is alerted to a racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic local officeholder.

    Seriously, he posts a bunch of inaccurate, prejudicial crap (which his fellow GOP GOBblers will swallow with gusto and happily regurgitate), blames it all on Obama and finishes it up with an "IF you are offended, I apologize?"

    I know his Knox County constituents, who are not members of the KKK, but might as well be, for all the distinction their statements on social media show, support this type of and degree of offensiveness, but are there none in the local Republican party with a shred of common sense to advise him? Or a shred of decency?

    Obama is a short-timer. Faulting him for your own bigotry has an expiration date. I recognize that, if Hillary Clinton gets the Democratic presidential nomination (setting aside the barrage of abuse and dreck she will endure in the campaign), just the fact that she is female will give the conservative vitriol whirligig another hub, should she win the presidency. So this kind of stupid and patently offensive GOP behavior might get a pass for another 4 years because it seems to always be OK to their base to lash out at women and minorities.

    Long way in the future and who knows who will win that top office, but if it's a Democrat, perhaps the GOP will rethink their scorched earth politics? Because, damn, how long has it been since a Democrat won consecutive terms in office, much less the possibility of someone of the same party taking a third term?

    Meanwhile, since it is almost a guarantee that none of the local major media outlets will go beyond reporting the heartfelt nonapology, one can hope the Knoxville Mercury might give Arnett a serious grilling. But their resources and exposure are limited, and while I am sure I will share here tomorrow an obvious satire of Arnett in my blunderbuss fashion, it all amounts to him likely getting a pass from the local media.

    Maybe Jon Stewart or his proteges will notice we have yet another grotesque GOP artifact trying to rear its ugly head by claiming "personal opinion" while spewing hatred and dissension.

    Then again, why would Knox Couny, TN, garner more attention than Anywhere GOP, USA?

    But he should at least be asked why the issuance of marriage licenses was restricted to only the downtown county clerk's office after the Supreme Court ruled in favor of same-sex marriage, yes?
    Sun sets, night falls, sun shines, day calls, work fine, rest deep, rejoice, prayers keep

  4. #2404


    Knox County Clerk apologizes for failing to hide bigotry, stupidity

    After local blog KnoxViews shared posts that Knox County Clerk Foster Arnett had placed on his personal Facebook page, including one that referred to Muslims as “goat-humpers” – among many other vile, racist, sexist and xenophobic posts – a Knox County commissioner and members of the local Democratic Party called out Arnett.

    In response, the Republican clerk held a press conference to issue a non-apologetic apology, blaming his inability to successfully hide his bigotry on his stupidity.

    “I am too dumb to realize that my Facebook settings allowed everyone to see all of my offensive, inaccurate and just plain stupid posts about all the minorities and political parties I hate,” Arnett explained. “Therefore I took steps to make things so that I can be as offensive as I want to be without anyone getting all offended by my offensiveness.”

    The county clerk went on to say that he had a smart friend explain to him, using very small words, how to change his Facebook settings so not everyone could see his page.

    “Then I asked my smart friend to just change the settings for me,” he concluded.

    Arnett then moved on to address other potential offenses.

    “Also, if my jolly middle-aged elf exterior that hides the seething tendrils of rage and spite roiling my interior fooled any moderate voters into voting for me, I apologize for you being foolish enough to be taken in by my act,” he said. “Pretty brilliant disguise for offensive ol’ dummy me, eh?”

    He then explained what motivated him to post such repulsive trash.

    “Finally, I just want to say that I did it all and would do it all again because I support TEH TROOPS! Oops, I mean, 'the' troops. See, I'm so stupid I can't even say words right, which is why you should feel sorry for me instead of being offended by me,” Arnett said.

    He concluded the press conference with one last non-apology.

    “So again, if anyone was offended by my bigoted, idiotic, classless, tasteless, offensive posts, then I apologize that you got all offended,” he said and began to leave the stage. However, he returned to the microphone and resumed speaking:

    “Of course, if you got offended by my offensiveness, then you just showed that you're the real bigot, you know? ’Cause this is Muricuh, and we still have freedom of speech, right? And that means I have the right to say whatever bigoted thing I want and you have to tolerate it and not be offended by it because that's what freedom of speech is, right? I can say whatever incredibly nasty thing I want, and you have to not be offended by it. And if you try to oppress my right to free speech by being offended by my offensive statements, then that makes all of you the real haters and bigots, you liberals and goat-humpers and nancy boys and-”

    An unidentified family member placed a gentle hand over Arnett's mouth until the violent paroxysms of bitterness and scorn passed.

    He then closed the press conference by saying he would take no questions because someone would try to use “gotcha” questions to expose him as a hypocrite.

    “If I take questions,” he explained, “you’ll ask something like how can I hate the Moo-slim goat-humpers yet still support our troops, some of whom follow the Muslim faith? Or ask on what basis I stopped marriages from being performed at all clerk offices except the downtown location. After all, if I can offer no evidence that the other offices were being overly burdened by increased demand for these services, it would look like I was just making it harder for all people to obtain licenses just because I am so prejudiced against all those homos who make me puke.”

    “Well, I am not clever enough to answer such questions in a way that hides my biases, so I won't be taking any questions at all,” he said. “In conclusion, I want to say that I support TEH TROOPS! Oops.”
    Sun sets, night falls, sun shines, day calls, work fine, rest deep, rejoice, prayers keep

  5. #2405


    Guns pin blame for mass murders on people

    Two handguns claiming to represent "a large majority" of the estimated 310 million firearms inhabiting the United States held a press conference today to announce the formation of an organization aimed at reducing the number of gun deaths caused by humans.

    A SIG Sauer P938 subcompact single-action 9mm pistol, which goes by the name of Ziggy, and a Smith & Wesson Model 637 38 Special J-Frame Revolver with Pink Grips ("Pinky" to its friends) began the press conference with a denunciation of humans' involvement in shooting deaths.

    “The National Rifle Association is right: Guns don’t kill people, people do. Using guns. And we are sick and tired of being implicated in murders just because people use us to commit them,” Pinky said.

    “That is why today we are here to announce the formation of GHAFSAT: Guns for Human Accountability for Firearm Safety at All Times,” added Ziggy.

    A reporter interrupted, saying, “GHAFSAT? You're really going with GHAFSAT as the acronym for your organization?”

    “Hey, we're lethal weapons, not marketing specialists,” Ziggy shot back.

    Ziggy went on, saying that guns not only were no good for marketing, they weren’t good for carpentry or bricklaying or anything else except lethality.

    “As those great Southern philosophers, Lynyrd Skynyrd, sagely sang, ‘Handguns are made for killin’; they ain't no good for nothin’ else.’ Setting aside the lyric’s triple negative, that’s absolutely correct. Have you ever tried to saw a board or lay a brick with us? Except for killing, wounding and maiming, we're useless.”

    Pinky returned to the meat of the press conference, pointing out that humans are always the root cause of gun violence.

    “We may be your weapon of choice, but we don’t choose to be your weapon, you know?” Pinky explained. “It takes a person to cause death by gunplay, although that person might not intend to shoot someone. It could be a toddler who finds his father’s gun, or a school kid who takes mom’s Charter Arms Lavender Lady Handgun out of her purse for Show-and-Tell.”

    “Or it might be a responsible gun owner in the grip of jealousy or road rage or inebriation or just plain old stupidity,” Ziggy added. “Whatever your excuse, GHAFSAT’s position is that it takes one of your kind to use us to kill another of your kind. Every single time.”

    Another journalist pointed out that GHAFSAT’s stance didn’t jibe with many cases of accidental shootings, in which authorities describe the situation as “the gun just went off” and no charges are filed.

    “I’m glad you brought that up, because ‘blameless’ accidental shootings are one of GHAFSAT’s big targets,” Pinky replied. “We believe charges should be filed in almost every accidental shooting. There may be some occasions where accidental shootings are true mishaps, but most ‘accidental’ shootings are caused by human negligence, ignorance or irresponsibility.”

    Ziggy added that such careless handling of guns amounted to gun abuse, saying that penalties should be put in place to ensure accountability in human-gun interfaces.

    “Charges should be filed every single time a human mistreats a gun and thereby causes the gun to fire,” it said. “Their right to own or even handle a gun should be revoked. Further, they should be registered with the state as known gun abusers. They should also be required to inform the state if they move. And finally, wherever they reside, they should be required to inform the surrounding community that they are register gun abusers.”

    Pinky said that GHAFSAT believed such penalties would lead to significant reduction of human gun abuse, but added, “While that would mark a significant first step, we regret to say that GHAFSAT has yet to formulate a policy that would keep us out of the hands of human loonies. Too many of you are crazy, mean, careless and unaccountable, and too many of you like that have access to us.”

    The duo closed the conference with a shout-out to NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre, thanking him for “for always having guns’ backs and always being a first responder for our needs and rights in times of gun emergencies. Which is pretty much daily, now.”

    “Yes, we don’t agree with him on all issues, but we appreciate how he rushes to defend us whenever one of you kills others of you using us,” Pinky said.

    “We just love that guy to death!” Ziggy exclaimed.

    “But that's not to say we would shoot him dead,” Pinky hastily demurred.

    Oh no, that's more likely to be one of his loved ones,” Ziggy concluded.
    Last edited by SnM; 07-30-2015 at 07:27 AM.
    Sun sets, night falls, sun shines, day calls, work fine, rest deep, rejoice, prayers keep

  6. #2406
    Sun sets, night falls, sun shines, day calls, work fine, rest deep, rejoice, prayers keep

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