Getting old means getting negative...

[Sappho]

Yeah it does have it's down side.
Last night my Mom spent several hours on the bathroom floor. We don't know what she did. My sister couldn't get an answer on the phone so she went to her house. She had to use her key to get in. She called out Mom?? She replied I'm in here. Sister...Where in here...looking around. To which Mom replied I don't know....
Called 911. Took her to hospital. She is not hurt, nothing broken. Except her spirit and her heart. Tonight we had to tell her she is going to have to go to assisted living on Monday. After her disappearing act in Los Angeles last month we were preparing and had located a place and already put a deposit on an apartment in the level II section. On some level she knew, but she is so full of life, healthy and strong that it just obviously killed a part of her to acknowledge and agree. She cried.

It's the best thing and the right thing and her quality of life will improve. i just hope she sees it once she's there.

@ $5700.00/month she has the resouces to live there ten years. She'd be 88 years old. Thankfully she has the funds cuz there is no assistance and the places that are less money are really less all the way around.

I'm sorry Momma. We are doing our best.

[gypsy]

i'm sorry sappho. i've seen several people go through similar hard decisions with their parents. it's never easy for anyone. i hope with time she can adjust to the new situation.

my parents (in their 60s) have both talked a lot about how easy they want to try to make things, for themselves and for us kids, if they ever reach a point they can't live on their own. but i think we all know that in fact there's no real way to make it "easy."

[Sappho]

Thanks Gypsy.
It is hard to prepare. And there's a lot of possibilities to have to prepare for!
Finding a place that would take her and her dog was not easy! Without that dog there would be no hope for her happiness and well being.

[relentless1]

I'm so sorry. Sounds like you're handling it though. We went through a similar situation with Dave's Dad. The only advice I can give, really, is have a support system. It really does help to be connected to folks that have had or are having the same experiences with their parents.

[binR Bishop]

I'm sorry, Sappho. It sounds like you are handling the situation with empathy and grace.

I'm lucky with my parents so far. They're 80 and 84 and in pretty good shape, for which I thank the universe. But since my dad's heart attack and surgery last winter I think a lot about what will inevitably happen at some point.

[Sappho]

I'm so sorry. Sounds like you're handling it though. We went through a similar situation with Dave's Dad. The only advice I can give, really, is have a support system. It really does help to be connected to folks that have had or are having the same experiences with their parents.

Thankful for the Blabbers.
12:30 am it's nice to have you all around.

It's 9:30pm out there. They are all together thankfully.

I have a good perspective on life and death. But the initial feeling around making these decisions is so hurtful and heartfelt...it's exausting.

[Scott]

Be strong Sappho.

My mom and Uncles had to put my Grandmother in assisted living for the last few years of her life, and it was a good experience, or as good as it could be.

I would advise having somebody keeping a check on the facilities make sure they have enough nurses per patient. Check that the heaters are covered properly etc.

My dad is in his late 60's my mom just turned 70 so I got some time. I really need to make some money in the next 10-20 years.

Take Care

[Amy]

Ah Sappho, I am sorry. I know it is hard to make those kinds of decisions. And I am so glad you all were able to find a place that can accomodate her and her little dog.
It is hard to become the parent to one's parent. I'm glad your family is in accord on all this and that your mom has faced the fact that she needs to live there. That makes it a little easier.

Be well, Dear.

[The_Editor]

Dear darlin Sappho...

Here I am up at all hours trying to get the AVG to operate correctly (I know Scott... Ubuntu... not my PC, not my call... not a Mac.. I know... not something better than something else... just stop before I get out one of the guns and have to start picking you all off one by one... are we done now? Good.)

So I'm up and I read this and I want to hug you because my selfish answer is so... well... selfish. Your mom is still around and it's going to make your mom super cranky to go into assisted living just like it would make you or I to have some 20-year-olds or 10-year-olds put US into assisted living (OK, maybe not you or I... because, damn... how nice to have a bunch of 20-year-olds assisting me!). But (and this is soooo selfish of me), you have a feisty mom around. And that makes me jealous of you. And it makes me breath a sigh of relief because I think it will make you sleep a little easier knowing that your mom is safe and well looked after.

Suddenly, here we are having to be the "grown ups." And that is probably the most difficult thing we will ever have to do—being the protectors for the people that have always been our protectors. It sucks. We are really the adults know (sigh), aren't we? It feels so unfair.

I'm there with you in spirit, sister. I send kisses and hugs and love to you and your feisty mom.

[tardisrider]

Best wishes, friend.

[JMG]

I'm sorry to hear that, but as you well know, it sounds like it was the best decision. We had to do the same thing for my Aunt and Uncle several years ago and their quality of life, health, and happiness improved dramatically even though they initially weren't too happy about it. We were so worried at the time that they could seriously injure themselves on their own.
Good luck, many blessings and hang in there.

[Sappho]

Thanks folks. I appreciate your thoughts and words. It does help!
The best part is that Mom acknowledged that she needs to move there. Up to this point she had been very clear that she was not going anywhere. After her 4:30 am taxi event in LA my sisters and I made the decision. It was clear to us. But Mom didn't remember the incident so she didn't agree. We went to work trying to locate a place. In the mean time we took precautions to try and keep her from getting lost in the Arizona desert! She was sneaking out in her car until we disabled it! Some where between the LA adventure in the cab and spending some time on the bathroom floor she must have come to understand that she was in need of assistance. Six months ago she was tap dancing with her senior tappers, playing bingo and crusin SeniorPeopleMeet.com!
We noticed she stopped going to bingo. So my sister went with her and noticed she was having a hard time playing the fancy bingo games they played. Mom noticed too, that's why she quit going.
So there are many pluses to the apartment. It's set up for all levels of need. Someone will be making sure she takes her meds daily. She'll have wacky friends that are just like her so she won't be ashamed to socialize! They have organized social activities. She'll like that. She'll have help with daily living needs. They have a dining room so she'll have folks to have dinner with. Her apartment is a one bedroom and bath with kitchenette, no stove! The worst part right now is that she is just bad enough to know she needs help but just normal enough to still want to get up and go! She's still calling it senior moments or drawing a blank. And God forbid, they told her to cool it on the evening glass of wine! I suggested switching her stash to Sutter Home, Fre!
Maybe she won't notice! I'm grateful she's still here. And under the circumstances there's much to be grateful for and optimistic about. Making the decision was just hard but afforded great relief at the same time.
Editor, I know you have been needing and missing your mom lately. It's probably something that never really goes away. I know several Blabbers have been sad about family members lately. And my heart goes out to all of you. It's horrible. About all that can be said is that if your folks are still around, make the most of every second. Cuz when things change those seconds are worth a lifetime that you'd give anything to have again.
Thanks for being here in the night/early am. The hardest part for now is done. I know that for whatever time she has left will be as well lived as possible and she's safe.

[Georgia]

Huge hug and try to know that it's the right thing for your Mom's well-being to be instigating this move for her. That doesn't make it any easier, I know.

From all the things you've written about her on the blab- I'm betting that she'll be the belle of the facility and will be the center of all the social gatherings.

[fluffy]

my parents (in their 60s) have both talked a lot about how easy they want to try to make things, for themselves and for us kids, if they ever reach a point they can't live on their own. but i think we all know that in fact there's no real way to make it "easy."

im in the same boat. my 71 year old mother lives by herself in a 2 story house. i can tell she's starting to do things like lose her memory. shes already passed out once in the house due to a blood sugar related issue. her mother had similar issues too. so yeah, i have a feeling i will be dealing with the same thing sooner rather than later.

sorry sappho.

[M.W. Bensey]

Best wishes, Sappho!

I have been visiting two older ladies from church at assisted living facilities over the past decade. They seem to be treated well, dine well, and make friends, and there are lots of activities and fields trips for those who choose to take part. And the common areas are nicer than my house! I'm always inspired by the lovely gardens, graceful window treatments, and elegant holiday decorations. It seems like a wonderful opportunity for people who can no longer care for themselves as well as they once did.

However, it must be a huge loss to leave one's own home, former activities with old friends, and complete freedom to come and go. It's a loss for family members, too, to see this go on, be part of it, and have shared experiences change or end. I think the ladies I visit have adjusted admirably. But I started visiting as a Stephen minister, to help them cope with those losses. Not sure about their families. Eldercare is difficult, they have their own work, kids, activities, and problems, and they don't come around as often as their loved ones would like. That's partly why my family and I do.

I hope your mother has a positive experience. It sounds like now is indeed the time to make the change. My sympathies with the adjusting.

[Sappho]

Thanks Fluffy.
It's good that you have noticed these things in their infancy. I don't know her needs but the police told us a couple of things that are smart for anyone. And it's just good FYI to know in general for everyone.


Here's some practicle things I have learned and it's never too early to start.
Get her some kind of pretty ID bracelet. They make really nice ones now days. It's impossible to know when she might get lost. It changed very quickly for my mom. The new bacelets are hooked up to services like ADT.
Have her carry a cell phone of some kind. Program it with contact numbers. The cops and responders are being trained to look for cell phones. ICE numbers should be the first three numbers programed. (In Case of Emergency)
My mom wouldn't use a cell phone. So we attached a TracFone to the inside of her purse. And since your mom has passed out already, one of those "i've fallen and I can't get up" alarms might prove to be helpful. The make them in pretty styles now days too. It's easier to get them to wear them when they don't look like something old people need!

And it's going to be a financial wipe out. The social worker told my sister that it a racket! of the $5700.00 per month about $3500.00 is clear profit.
So with the huge boomer population heading for old age problems I'd say for young folks, investing in senior health care stock is a safer bet than social security!

[Sappho]

That's awsome MWB! It's sickening that with all of the people that have a little time on their hands, there are lonely people out there. I have used my business as a social service agency for folks that need home repairs. I am seeing that there are additional needs and I am going to be redirecting some of my efforts and politicial activism. The lgbt community has some unique aging issues of our own. There are lgbt senior communities spring up everywhere. Being disowned by ones family, having no children and having no partner or rights to communial benifits, is diaster waiting to happen.

[bgrassgal]

Hang in there! I know what you are going through. My grandmother has recently gone into assisted living. Part her choice, part my aunt and uncle's. At least I wasn't the one that had to make that tough decision, so I feel for you. I think it's been harder on me than it has her. My gram is in Indy, so I can't go visit her all of the time like I want to. I do, however, talk with her on the phone at least once a week. I also send her e mails with pics attached. I just send them to the nursing home and they print them off and give to her. She loves that! Every time I talk to her, she is always telling me about all of her friends as well as the men that are "hitting" on her. This certainly boosts her already large ego. Luckily, she was already familiar with this particular place since my grandpa was there for the last year or so of his life. She went every day to visit him, so she knew bunches of residers and staff. Relentless is correct. The best help for ourselves is support from people who've been there. Hugs

[SnM]

Sappho, I don't think I can add to what's already been posted. I am sorry for the choices you are forced to make. Our sympathy to you.

[Greeneguy]

I so know what you are going through! Mom had a mini stroke a few months ago and has had to slow down a bit. She will be 81 this year and is living a fairly independent life. My older brother and I put the house in our names because she had a couple of wrecks and we thought they would take the house to pay for the wrecks. It was a good thing we did this as the lawyers would have done this. My brother and I also discussed assisted living, but in reality, it would be cheaper to have someone live there with her. We will not go the nursing home route until she is not in her right mind and cannot take care of herself.

But for now, she still drives herself to church, to the market and is even still working for people. She cleans a few houses and a doctors office. If I make it to 80, I hope I have her skills at adjusting to change. It is painful to realize that one day I will be changing her diaper just as she changed mine. I have younger friends who take their parents for granted and use the hell out of them. They will pay a price for this one day... I will say a prayer for you.

[Sappho]

GO MOM! that's great. Smart thing to do with the house. I think it is best to keep them home as long as possible. Hope she just keeps truckin' to the end without needing much help!



I so know what you are going through! Mom had a mini stroke a few months ago and has had to slow down a bit. She will be 81 this year and is living a fairly independent life. My older brother and I put the house in our names because she had a couple of wrecks and we thought they would take the house to pay for the wrecks. It was a good thing we did this as the lawyers would have done this. My brother and I also discussed assisted living, but in reality, it would be cheaper to have someone live there with her. We will not go the nursing home route until she is not in her right mind and cannot take care of herself.

But for now, she still drives herself to church, to the market and is even still working for people. She cleans a few houses and a doctors office. If I make it to 80, I hope I have her skills at adjusting to change. It is painful to realize that one day I will be changing her diaper just as she changed mine. I have younger friends who take their parents for granted and use the hell out of them. They will pay a price for this one day... I will say a prayer for you.

[faybe]

have your sister keep an eye on that assisted living facility, b/c that is big money being paid and if they do not uphold their part of the contract you can yank her out of there and find another place. the assisted living places are highly competitive. one of my friends at work has her mom in one here and after many flubs and uncalled for slacking on the facilities part she has now moved her mom it to another facility and she's happier.

for people that really like to socialize and that can still get around .. assisted living facilities can be great places. your mom sounds fiesty and fun and i hope her spirit heals and she can bring some smiles to those she will be sharing a place with.

[Tess]

Sappho,

A couple of thoughts. Is there anyone in the family that could work as her caregiver and let her live at home? (See article linked below).

http://www.naplesnews.com/news/2006/sep/10/families_set_contracts_pay_caregivers_looking_afte/?neapolitan

Also, have you checked the difference in prices bwtn California and here? I think you can get high quality asst. living here for less than that.

[Sappho]

My baby sister (Ha, she's 42) is cut throat! We call her Hitler! LOL

If they sent her to Afganistan she'd not only find Osama she'd have new bumper nuts on her truck! With a fear this bumpersticker above them!

[Sappho]

We were considering family care but since the memory problem is so bad and she has proven to not able to follow the don't leave the house rule, she is requiring 24/7 watching. She lives in a small two bedroom house now and got lost in there! Could not tell my sister where she was in her own bathroom! That's not the case most of the time. But always an unpredictable option. She really still wants her own place so the apartment provides that. When we told her she couldn't drive she decided she could drive herself to the gates at her community and walk to the store! 114 degrees, disoriented and walking to the store! We did find some places that were nice and less expensive but they won't accept dogs. The dog is complicating things. But the dog not moving with her is not an option. It's been her companion and life's mission since my stepdad died. If she ever forgets that she has a dog it will be posible to move her somewhere else! Since I have two sisters and several nieces and nephews in AZ we thought that would spread out the task. My sister in Los Angeles is overseeing our retarded sister that lives in a group home there.
I have offered to move there to take care of her. But it seems that the apartment in the assisted living covers most of our concerns. It's pricy but it covers all living expenses, assisstance with hygene, laundry, meals, recreation, the dog, someone to administer her meds and as she progress the services evolve with her needs, same price. It's also very close to where my sisters live so they can visit frequently, go for walks, dinner and all of that. And one of them will. The other one...well she's another story!

Thanks for the link. I am going to forward it to my sisters. We have no binding contract as for as a lease, etc. and after the dust settles we might want to take some time to reconsider some things.







Sappho,

A couple of thoughts. Is there anyone in the family that could work as her caregiver and let her live at home? (See article linked below).

http://www.naplesnews.com/news/2006/sep/10/families_set_contracts_pay_caregivers_looking_afte/?neapolitan

Also, have you checked the difference in prices bwtn California and here? I think you can get high quality asst. living here for less than that.

[Maria]

Props to you - you have our sympathy and respect.

[The Italian Dude]

Went thru the same thing with my dad 2 years ago. hated to take away his indepedance but had to put him in assisted living. he lasted three years and seemed happy and well cared for. but I wore myself out traveling back homr to vist and gor medical stuuf. you should be sure to take care of yourself also,

[rayella]

We went through this process with my mother. A neighbor called my sister while my mother was still in her own home and said that it was clear that things were "not clear" with my mother. She was sure that my mother had fallen and hit her head. She could tell this because my mother had a small amount of blood on her head and in her hair, and because my mother invited her over to visit with her and my father who, at that point, had been dead for more than 3 years. Falling had been a problem, but she had insisted that she could stay at home. After being in the hospital for a few crazy days, we told her that "they" said she shouldn't go home by herself and got her into a place where she was pretty happy. It is so hard when the roles are reversed and we become the parents, but we honor what they did for us when we see that they are safe and cared for. You have to keep a sense of humor about the really crazy moments and know that your mom probably did the same many times in your childhood. God bless and know that lots of us have been there before you and are wishing you well.

[Randall's Randy Rebecca]

Best wishes to you and your family, my blabber friend.

[Hildegard]

It's tough, but you're doing the right thing by getting her into a place where she will be safe and well cared for. I've always said that all any human needs to be happy is to feel loved and safe. She's got the first one, clearly. And now at least you'll know she's safe as well.

[trancendyce]

taking care of your mom and your sister is a lot to carry. difficult not to get discouraged sometimes. try not to be too hard on yourself about feelings that are only natural under the circumstances. you are wonderful and caring!

[Tess]

No kidding. Sappho is the kind of quality woman that sets the bar for classy lady.

[fluffy]

Get her some kind of pretty ID bracelet. They make really nice ones now days. It's impossible to know when she might get lost. It changed very quickly for my mom. The new bacelets are hooked up to services like ADT.

damn, thats a great idea. thanks!


Have her carry a cell phone of some kind. Program it with contact numbers. The cops and responders are being trained to look for cell phones. ICE numbers should be the first three numbers programed. (In Case of Emergency)
My mom wouldn't use a cell phone. So we attached a TracFone to the inside of her purse. And since your mom has passed out already, one of those "i've fallen and I can't get up" alarms might prove to be helpful. The make them in pretty styles now days too. It's easier to get them to wear them when they don't look like something old people need!

the problem with a cell is she forgets to charge it. we bought one for her 2 years ago. its been dead every time we have visited. i ask her about it, and she sheepishly admits she forgot it. sigh.

[Sappho]

It has been a challenging 24 hours.
If anyone questions the power of focused energy, they've never been the recipient of Blab luv!!
You all have been tremendously helpful energy. It has been one of those life altering days and all of you have been unforgettable.
I am exausted.
Namaste
Sappho

[Bird Goddess]

Best to you and your family.
It was very kind of you to work so hard so your mom & her dog can stay together.
I hope once your mom settles in that she will feel relieved and happy.
((((HUGS)))))